The two big bosses of the Video Gaming industries are two really huge guys. Originally planned as a two part-piece, arguments insued over which of the two bosses would go first. The resulting destruction wiped out the state of Kansas, the western edge of Missouri, and a small farm in Iowa. So, we've decided to have them both, here, together. After finding enough room for their egos, and reinforced chairs, the interview began. Jenn Dolari: Thank you, sirs, for your co-operation in this first ever cross gaming interview. You have my gratitude. M. Bison: My fair lady, you are most welcome. Your pitiful existence has been raised, by simply being in the same room with myself. Please continue. Shao Khan: SILENCE FOOL! I AWAIT THE TERMINATION OF THIS...INTERVIEW. I HAVE AN OUTWORLD IN NEED OF ADMINISTRATION! A DIMENSION IN NEED OF PILLAGING! AND A DENTAL APPOINTMENT AT 2! J: So, where should we begin? Sirs, the positions you are in must have come through long struggles, valiantly climbing the hierarchy of your respective empires to get to the top. Tell us, how did you do it? B: Mr. Khan, you may go first. K: I ALWAYS GO FIRST. B: Yes...(whispers) This should be good for a laugh. K: I BEGAN WITH AS A MINOR SOLDIER IN KING JERROD'S ARMY THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO. SLOWLY I CLIMBED THE RANKS OF THE MILITARY AND EVEN BECAME KING JERROD'S PERSONAL MASSEUS AFTER SO MANY YEARS. ONE DAY, WHILE GIVING HIM THE BEST BACKRUB OF HIS LIFE, SHANG TSUNG, JERROD'S PERSONAL HAIRDRESSER, AND MYSELF ACCIDENTALLY SNAPPED HIS NECK. IT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE. WHEN YOU'RE GETTING A BACKRUB, YOU SHOULDN'T MOVE. I TOLD HIM THAT. MANY TIMES. TO THINK THAT MY HANDS DESTROYED THE KING, SIMPLY BECAUSE HE TWITCHED...BUT THAT'S BEYOND THE REALMS OF THIS CONVERSATION. SO I PANICKED. I FORCED MY WAY TO THE THRONE, HAD SHANG TSUNG USE HIS SPECIAL SHAMPOO #99 ON QUEEN SINDEL, MINDWIPING HER, AND TOOK IT. THE MILITARY SOON FOLLOWED MY LEAD, BROUGHT ON BY THEIR HATRED OF JERROD FOR PUTTING MINT JELL-O IN THE RATION PACKS. B: Hmph! J: Lord Bison? B: Lord Bison needed not to RISE in the ranks. I wished for the Shadowloo throne, and with the help of my Psycho-Power, I took it! Such is the way of a GOD! I TAKE ALL AND DESTROY ALL! K: THEN I AM A GOD AS WELL! B: No, you are not. K: OH.....NEVER MIND THEN. J: Over the past few weeks, we've had tons of letters...well...a few...a couple...well three letters with questions that your fans would love to ask you. K: PROCEED. B: Ah, adoring and loving fans. To have their questions answered by a genius such as I. I would only be too happy to answer the questions of the great unwashed. And to see their happy faces as- K: SHUT UP! FOOL! YOU ARE PATHETICALLY BORING! B: Sir, I will forgive that remark. But be warned, your Shadow Attacks are no match for my SAIKO POWAH! K: YOUR WHAT? B: My SAIKO POWAH! K: SEIKO TOWERS? B: (fists glowing) SAIKO POWAH! J: Please, please, gentlemen...let us continue the interview. B: Yes, this simpleton is not worthy of my efforts. K: TYCO SHOWERS? J: From one Sean Holshu for Khan. "Were you made fun of in school when you said you had a 4-armed friend?" B: (interested) Four arms? K: NO, I WAS NEVER MADE FUN OF IN SHOOL FOR HAVING FRIENDS WITH FOUR ARMS. MORE OFTEN, I WAS MADE FUN OF FOR HAVING BUT TWO ARMS AND A SET OF PERFECTLY SET TEETH. WHEN I WENT TO ED BOON MEMORIAL MIDDLE SCHOOL AND FIRING RANGE, I WAS OFTEN BEAT UP MERCILESSLY BY THE MUTANT HORDES. BUT I SHOWED THEM. NOW THEY ARE SHUT AWAY INTO THE BADLANDS OF THE OUTWORLD, WASTING AWAY ON WHAT LITTLE FOOD I GIVE TO THEM. B: What an excellent way of rounding up the inferior among us. But I must ask, why have you not had them exterminated? K: THERE WAS NO NEED...THEY HAVE BEEN HURT. THEY WILL NOT ATTACK. B: On the contrary, they may try to rise up. By oppressing them, you cause so much more pressure so that they became hateful and hurtful. I offer exterminators at a VERY reasonable cost (Bison gives Khan a card). J: To the both of you, "How has universal dominance changed your life?" B: (To Khan) If I may, sir. (To Jenn) I have yet to achieve Universal Domination, such self-absorbed countries such as China and the United States see fit to try and quell my genius. But not to worry, the simpletons will soon see the way of SAIKO POWAH! K: FOR ME, UNIVERSAL DOMINATION HAS GIVEN ME POWER BEYOND BELIEF. I CAN NOW SPEAK IN CAPITAL LETTERS, I CAN HAVE CADBURY CREME EGGS ANYTIME OF THE YEAR AND I CAN GO TO DISNEYLAND FOR FREE ANYTIME I WANT. I WIN! B: Such triviality. Have you no want of subjugation of the masses? Exploitation of natural resources for your own good? Worship? Executions?! K: ONLY WHEN I CANNOT FIND MOUSE EARS HATS IN MY SIZE. J: For Khan, "Does it get sweaty when wearing that skull helmet?" K: ACTUALLY, NO. THE WINGS ON THE SIDE ARE EXCELLENT HEAT CONDUCTORS, AND BECAUSE OF SOME WEIRD AERODYNAMICS, A GOOD BREEZE CAN ACTUALLY LIFT ME INTO THE AIR AND I CAN FLY AROUND. PRETTY COOL. EVER SNICKER-SNAGGED ON SOMEONE FROM 35,000 FEET? J: No...I don't like hocking lugies. K: YOUR LOSS. B: Please...all this talk of expectorations is making me feel nausiated. May we continue? J: For the both of you. "Don't you get bored seeing blood and guts everyday?" K: HAVE YOU BEEN LOOKING INTO MY COOKING CLASSES? B: I enjoy seeing the grimaced faces as I send mindless bodies to their Heaven or Hell. I enjoy being a god given form! GOD GIVEN BEING! GOD GIVEN LIFE!!! (Khan sticks his tounge out at Bison from behind his back) J: From one Kestrell (a fairly decent dragon, I've heard) to Shao Khan: "Where do you hide that hammer?" K: PORTAL IN A POCKET. $9.95 AT ANY KOMBAT-MART. J: From Kommander Kenny for Bison: "If you were trapped on a desert island, what books would you want with you?" B: Simply the most enlightening books in the world. Mein Kampf, by Adolf Hitler. The Communist Manifesto, by Karl Marx and One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish by Dr. Suess. While not as informative as Hop on Pop, it is an excellent way of teaching the masses. J: From Kestrel, "If you can open a gaping hole in the space-time continuum, why is it that some little Bruce Lee wannabe can kick your butt?" K: WOULD YOU RATHER I TAKE YOU ON? AS YOU SAY, KESTREL, YOU ARE ONLY A FAIRLY DECENT DRAGON! YOUR SOUL IS MINE, FOOL! B: I see you have also been pestered by that scampering imbecile Fei Long? K: WHO? B: Fei Long K: DOES THIS HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH YOUR SLEAZY FLOWERS? B: SAIKO POWAH! K: WHATEVER. J: "Lord Bison, If you succeed in taking over the world, can you please kill those Full House twins? They really get on my nerves." B: Why should I kill them, when they are the greatest agents in my arsenal! (To Khan) Would you cut your toes out merely because they are offensive to someone else, particularly if the ones offended were soon to become your servants? K: MY TOES DON'T SMELL. B: They do from here... K: FOOL! YOU WILL TAKE THAT BACK! B: I shall not. The words of a god are never wrong, are they Ms. Dolari? J: Well, they do smell kind of cheesy.... K: I SHALL HAVE BOTH YOUR HEADS FOR THAT REMARK! J: Um...well...the words of a god are never wrong...but...um...I think they can be...mistaken. (smiles nervously). Khan, "Who is it that's talking when you're defeated?" K: TALKING? SOMEONE TALKS WHEN I'M UNCONSCIOUS? (Khan opens his Portal in a Pocket and shouts to voices on the other end). MILEENA! JADE! I NEED THE THRONE ROOM CLEARED IMMEDIATELY! DESTROY ANY UNAUTHORIZED PERSON IN THE ROOM! AND DON'T TAKE MY MOUSE EARS! B: (In Awe) Impressive! How would I go about acquiring a Portal in a Pocket? K: I'LL GET YOU A MAIL-ORDER BROCHURE NEXT TIME I'M IN THIS DIMENSION. J: "I have trouble getting my teeth to look their whitest. You don't seem to have that problem, how do you do it, Bison?" B: Simple. When brushing your teeth, use circular motions, not up and down. (Bison's intercom beeps). Yes, Sagat? I see... (To Jenn) I'm sorry to say that my portion of the interview must end. Balrog has been going through Vega's closet again and was seen wearing Vega's blue- chiffon dress. I must leave before he gives Shadowloo a bad name. Mr. Khan, it was a pleasure...feel free to...terrorize my country sometime. (Bison exits) K: WHAT A PATHETIC WINDBAG. J: Yup...well...only two more questions and you can be on your way to your dental appointment. K: YOU KNOW, WE DO HAVE AN OPENING IN OUR ASSASINS CORPS, NOW THAT PRINCESS KITANA HAS ESCAPED THE OUTWORLD. YOU WOULD MAKE AN EXCELLENT STUDENT UNDER ASSASSIN MILEENA. J: Cool, could I get one of those older outfits, the conservative ones? K: THEY ARE NO LONGER STANDARD ISSUE, BUT I'M SURE WE COULD MAKE AN EXCEPTION IN YOUR CASE. J: Well then, the last of the questions. "Whose skull is that on your face, anyway?" K: IT IS THE SKULL OF LUCKY, MY DEAD DOG. ONE DAY WE WERE PLAYING FETCH AND I THREW OUT A FIREBALL. POOR LUCKY NEVER MADE IT PAST THE OLD OAK TREE. GOOD OLD LUCKY. WE USED TO GO OUT AND CAHSE DOWN GUNDARKS, AND THEN OUTWORLD HORDES. I MISS OLD LUCKY. J: "How did you manage to botch trying to take over Hell when it's just below your throneroom?" K: WELL, THAT WAS A MISTAKE. I WAS ACTUALLY TRYING TO TAKE OVER HECK AND NOT HELL. I VASTLY UNDERESTIMATED THEM AND WELL...YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES...THE BEST LAID PLANS OF MICE AND MUTANTS. SO, YOU WANNA BE AN ASSASIN? WE HAVE GREAT HEALTH PLANS AND A MARVELOUS DENTAL CARE INSURANCE... J: Well...it sure beats throwing papers for a living.... (both get up and leave) K: COME ALONG THEN, I THINK WE COULD SUIT YOU UP IN RED OR BLACK, WHAT DO YOU THINK? IT WOULD BE OUTSTANDING TO HAVE YOU IN SERVICE....